I gave my speech in Swedish today, and it went really well, actually. Looking forward to an A, or at least a B. And I'm also looking forward to getting back my paper in social studies, hopefully I'll get a good grade there as well. I need those grades to feel good and make up for the fact that I'm failing maths.
Or, okay, not failing. But I'm afraid I won't get a grade higher than E this year and that just stings my heart, my self confidence and my ten years old me who struggled so hard with learning the multiplication tables, crying because I didn't understand shit of what the teacher said or what the questions on those homework papers asked me to do. That's how I feel right now, but in a different way. I understand everything in maths; I follow Teresa when she goes through equation after equation - but I can't ever figure out what method to use when it's right in front of me. If someone tells me "use the definition of the deravative", I do, and I solve the problem, but I can't see how to solve it on my own and that's a shame. Since I know how to use almost every single method used to solve the problems in Ma3b, shouldn't I be able to get a good grade? But I do see why I can't - there's no trouble in just doing what other people tells you to do.
Oh well. I guess maths just isn't my thing, and I'll have to work with something else; something more ... discussable. Like a teacher of something. Maybe psychology, social studies, ethics, philosophy. Or I'll turn out be a great, kick-ass entrepreneur and then those low high school grades won't matter.
I can't believe I'm writing that - grades don't matter - but I've actually gotten a lot better at accepting the fact that I can't ace every single thing that I attempt to complete, especially not without practicing more than I do today (which is like, not at all). I think this new way of seeing things comes from my meeting with Love. Taking time to speak to someone who's studied to become a curator, taking time just for me and my problems, is really good for me and I'm already breaking new grounds. For example, I went to school with red lipstick today. It might not seem to be a huge deal, but it is. People notices red lips, and ... I just don't know. Love and I discussed it on our last session - why am I so comfortable wearing what I want when I'm outside of school? What would happen if I wore red lipstick to class? Well, nothing, I answered, and I guess that's why I did wear it today even though I was giving a speech on feminism in front of the whole class. And what happened?
Nothing. And as I see it, there's two alternatives. 1) No one noticed it or 2) It looked horrible and no one wanted to tell me. Anyways, it did make me feel a bit more confident and I guess that's good. It feels good to be even more comfortable in myself than before. Even though I wouldn't say I have bad self confidence or self esteem doesn't mean that I don't have my issues to work on. And I'm doing that, one step at a time.
Today's accomplishment: I wore red lipstick and gave an awesome speech which hopefully made people think about our world and the oppression of women today. I didn't get a panic attack after the math test even though I only answered questions on E level. I'm getting a hold of my workout routine - suddenly I'm swimming twice or three times a week - and it feels really great. That might have helped as well, I think. Makes me feel less restless, something Love and I also have spoken about.
One step at a time.
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