Got invited to a group chat earlier tonight, with the message "hey Becca, check our plans out! Join?" from Lisa. (Thanks for knowing how to spell my name!) She, Jonathan, Rasmus, Emil and Otto was making plans going somewhere to hang out, snack and play football and I thought it seemed fun so I decided to go along. Took the car to Lisa's, we met up and went to Trekanten - a big park with a few open spaces and a decent lake in the center - and had a good time for two and a half hours or so. Then, all of a sudden (just after Emil left), Otto got a call from his cousin Anna (whom I've met before) asking him to come hang out at her place. And of course he could bring Lisa, since they're friends! But since there was already quite many people at Anna's place, she only wanted people she knew really well. Jonis, Rasmus and I got the hint and got ready to go, when Lisa started talking about trying to get us invited to. "I mean, you've all met her and none of you will get super drunk".
So, Lisa called Anna. Asked her what was up, chit chatted for a bit and then asked if Jonathan and Rasmus could tag along. Not a word about me. The others reacted, but Lisa didn't seem to mind them at all but kept asking Anna, eventually getting her on her side making everyone welcome. Well, everyone but me. After she'd hung up, she just explained it with "Anna said you two haven't even spoken to each other". Which we have. But that doesn't really matter - what matter is that Jonis really haven't. And Rasmus said he felt like he don't know Anna at all.
At least the guys made an effort trying to make it a bit less complicated for me. Giving me a ride on a bike to Lisa's, which would take about ten minutes, so I could take my car from there while they could drop off their stuff. Everyone was happy with that offer, especially me since I don't have a commuting card at the moment, except for Lisa. She didn't even have a reason, but frankly said "no". So we didn't. Lisa has a weird way of manipulating people. At least I got a ride to the subway station so I could travel for 25 minutes, using Rasmus' commuting card, walk for about ten and then take my car for another 20 minutes to get home. What a jolly way to spend your Saturday evening, eh?
It's not even the fact that I spent almost an hour to get home that makes me angry. It's the odd way Lisa behaves - she's always so ignorant and manipulative and only does things that will favour her. I don't even know if I would consider her my friend. I'm sure I wouldn't if it wasn't for the fact that she hangs out with Otto and the others. If she wasn't in my class, or was committed to another group of people, I wouldn't spend a second of my time with her. She seems to be so happy, inspiring and full of life when really she's just ignorant. The way she always leaves her plate after lunch for others to clean it up, or the way she makes "subliminal" jokes that aren't even funny but only mean. And the way she keeps up with the charade of being my friend, when I'm really just her second choice.
I won't hang out with them once again if the conditions are similiar again. If I'm not invited from the beginning, if I'm not even in their thoughts when they're making plans, I don't want to be part of them. Rasmus seems to be the one that really cares about having me as company. He was the first one to even mention me in the group chat, and he's always the one to call me when there's a dinner coming up with the group. Often after they made all the plans or already are at a place of course, but still. Then of course, Otto told me after a few drinks that he's really glad he met and made friends with me for my opinions and intelligence and that makes me happy. It feels so good to hear someone say that I am wanted or appreciated, that someone is happy to have me as their friend. Too bad I don't hear it very often. Very rarely, to be honest. Never if alcohol isn't involved.
Yay, what sane friendships I have.
I'm just tired of being people's second choice. I'm never the first one people think about when they want to hang out, go to a concert or just do something fun. I'm the one that just tags along, if I get invited. I'm tired of that, but I don't know what to do. I don't want to change who I am just to make other people like me - I don't have the time or the energy for that. And if I started saying no to the invites I do get, people wouldn't even care. Maybe a small "oh no, why?" but whatever I'd say, they'd be fine with it. I don't know. I just feel like it's going to be a long, lonely summer.
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