Can I ever make up my mind? Or, I mean, my mind is made up. Kind of. I'm not in love with T. Those are some serious feelings, but I crave his body next to mine. To feel his beard against my neck, my collarbones, to gently kiss him. I need want him, in some kind of way.The dream of giving him a note with my number on the day that I'm standing outside of school dressed all in white with a silly cap on my head, thanking him for literally saving me during my tough times. Meeting him in a bar, talking about everything and nothing. Walking him home, a kiss on the lips. Spending a friday evening sitting in a white sofa leaned against him, watching football. Cheering for the same team as him.
(Is this the kind of dung that make people blush when reading their old diaries? I believe so)
My life doesn't circle around T, even if that is all I'm writing about, but many of my thoughts kind of do. I want him near me, even though I know that the chance that I will even see him when I'm done with his class is disappearingly small, even though I assume he's not into me. Why would a 29 years old teacher get feelings for his soon-to-be 18 years old student? I'm not living in a romantic high school movie, for crying out loud. Not a porno, either.
I'm glad Fanni and I have started talking. She's still madly in love with our ex teacher M and it feels good to have someone to talk to and cry pathetic, heart-broken tears with. Lol. She actually texted M tonight, kind of asking me out, after a bit of encouragement from my side. It'd be insane if they did go and ended up together. If T and I ...
I would never dare to make a move, no matter how obvious I would think the signs were. Eye contact, jokes, touches, smirks ... it could all be in my head and I don't even know how to approach people like that. And it would kill me if he wasn't interested in me but found out I am, from me trying to hit on him, haha.
I wonder if it's true, what T said about the teachers being able to see everything we do on our computers. Awkward if he's seen this. Or great, since now he'll know that I won't take the first step. Your move, T. Hehe.
I can afford my driver's license! I calculated it today and it adds up to about SEK 11 000 which is fine. Hopefully that little piece of plastic, representing freedom, will be mine in only a couple of weeks. God knows how I'll pay for my planned tattoos, haha. Oh well.
15 days left til my birthday.
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