Today, on my way to school, I wished for my body to collapse when going to lunch. I wished I would pass out due to my stress issues, wished for an ambulance to come get me, wished for being able to take a break. Why would it be easier to blame my body, than my brain? Why is it so hard for me to say to myself that maybe I can't handle everything I take on in life, even though I enjoy it?
I know it's a serious, and sick, thought - but it is true. It would be so much easier to just collapse rather than talking to and explaining for everyone about how I feel. How I feel like I'm giving up, when really all I'm doing is taking care of myself and my mind.
Kimiya was at school today, so we spent an hour and a half of our lunch to speak about everything. She's getting a bit worse, but at least she's feeling better than she did when she went on sick leave. I think I feel worse now compared to how I felt when I thought I were just an inch from the wall. Otherwise I guess I wouldn't wish for my organs to give up on me, I suppose.
Anyways, our conversation ended with me deleting my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Kik, Ask.fm and messenger apps on my phone and deciding on not posting on or even logging onto my official blog. The only ones that know that I'm shut down (and why) are Kimmi and Jenni. I don't feel like telling anyone else, and that's okay. The ones I don't meet in real life don't need to mind my own business, and the ones I do meet in real life could ask me face to face or via texts if they really care. If I answer their texts, that is. I need to shut down and focus on myself for a while.
Tomorrow I'm speaking with Lusse about my science essay and just life and stress in general. It feels like she will understand and be flexible enough to find another solution for me and my grade, lol. Elisabeth or Teresa might be next.
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